I Wanna Live Enthusiastically…

But I don’t wanna live happily, I wanna live enthusiastically. I don’t wanna have to choose between adventures and serenity, I wanna feel upbeat and yet, I wanna feel home.
I don’t wanna grow better, I wanna flourish beautifully.
I don’t wanna chase after the moon to succeed, I wanna be the moon.
I don’t wanna walk in the queue, I wanna make my own queue.
I don’t wanna acquire the beauty of the soul, I wanna engrave it inside of me.
I don’t wanna dream of wholehearted euphoria, love and affection anymore, I wanna live them.
I wanna thrive, wholeheartedly smile, bloom and love.
I wanna rain in the warmth. 
I wanna “sunshine” on a cloudy day.
I wanna be the ones whom I needed around with me. 
I wanna be whom I need to be.
But needing the needs isn’t enough.
I gotta strive, fall then stand. 
But I’ve fallen and couldn’t rise up since. 
The hole I fell into -that they call depression- is digging itself deeper in the ground day by day.
But I realized that the hole is chaining me, but yet, is not deadly or at least, is temporarily not deadly.
I realized that it’s just that no one is here to pull me up.
But my soul has told me that I need no one….that it’s here around me to pull me, but yet, I can’t seem to find it.
But don’t worry, in this very dark night, I see this very light beam of light which my soul shines from a few miles away.
I’m crawling towards it because as I said, I can’t stand up since the time I fell.
I’m crawling slowly but getting nearer.
I’m almost there and soon, I’ll re-meet my soul and it’ll pull me up and I’ll stand up again and all the “don’t wanna-s” will be a past and all the “wanna-s” on my list will be already given a checkmark.?

by Mariam Aly I. Aly