by Wallflower

This may sound like a bunch of baloney or even incomprehensible rubbish. Well, if you’re not ready for your thoughts to be challenged and your world to be tipped upside down and inside out – go ahead and stop reading this.

You know when something happens and the likelihood for you to blame another person is high? Because it makes us feel better. Guess what, mistake happens as it is; it’s never planned. Like those careless errors you made on your exam paper, they just slipped. Let’s face it, it is a solution for a short amount of time. Slowly, you’ll wallow in your despair, and you realize it was you after all and it wasn’t them, and how ashamed would you be.

Your feelings and your thoughts are influenced by the way you perceive an event. The intensity of a heartbreak is not damaging unless you perceive it to be so. Your level of anger wouldn’t be as high as the skyscrapers, if you did not perceive it likewise. Why does the word ‘perceive’ pop out one too often on this article? Four times in this paragraph alone. Get ready for the fifth and counting, perceive or perception by definition is the ‘process of becoming aware of something through the senses.’ In a layman’s term, it’s when an event happens and you look at it either in a negative or a positive light.

I shall disclose an experience which I went through, it was a typical scene of a 21st century young adult drama. You know when you have that one person, and you thought he or she is the ‘one’ and everything was rainbow and things were going fine; you hung out often, he finishes your sentences, he laughs at your lame jokes, but well, sarcasm wasn’t really his thing yet I came to love his flaws, the funny way he pronounced my name or even the grammatical errors (when I was known as a Grammar Nazi among my friends), and I thought perhaps this is why it didn’t work out with the others before him. Our friends were happy for us, and I sat there and daydreamed, planning for adventures that we would embark on. I was indecisive on many things, I had to sleep on everything before taking any risks, but falling for him just happened and genuinely I have never been happier, even if I was, I couldn’t remember when.

prideandperceptionWell, let’s be honest, human beings never settle for less, we have something great but we always strive for more, it is something innate, it is a drive, a purpose in which without it life would be dull and pointless. Thus, I tested the waters because the uncertainty was killing me, I wanted a label because being in someone’s life without knowing your role is a discomfort. What am I? Are we dating? Are we just hanging out to cure our boredom? Those questions were my 11 pm thoughts. So, I did the unthinkable and took the plunge but in a safer, more grounded way. This is where I employed my crew of good friends to ask the guy where we stand. The answer wasn’t really music to my ears, I was friend-zoned. Rejected and dejected, I was speechless for a while. The thing about being rejected is that, especially by someone you like, is that it harms your self-esteem. You sought for their approval, some people would actually go to the extent of lying about their interests for this (but please don’t do that), thus, being cast aside by this one person has a major impact on you as a person. Because this one person was the world to you. You question yourself, nit-picking, perhaps it was your shoes. Maybe it’s the way you’re too sarcastic for him. Or he has someone else.

I dropped into a slump because I didn’t choose to be in that state, no one did and will. We all want to be happy like Joy in “Inside Out.” That is the one month that I won’t forget, especially when the inflicted wound kept bleeding and the memories kept bleeding. And both of you are all smiles as if nothing had happened. The world spins around and time never stops for anyone. I felt the utmost anger when he asked me out again, when he cares for my well-being, when he asked about my day – giving me hope that things would escalate from this position, perhaps, he was uncertain about his feelings just as much as I was. And, we would get the happy ending that we very much deserve so I would stop second-guessing myself. When he does those little things that makes me feel appreciated, the anger bubbles up again. I did come to a point where, if there’s no such thing as consequences, I would actually stand in front of him and sing Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean?” Yes, I would resort to that method if there’s no such thing as shame as well.

Well, I have digressed too much, it was supposed to be about perception, but my life story is up there. Even when I was typing this, I realize something that is very crucial. The way I see it, he broke my heart, so I have every single reason to be angry and he is just a clueless lad that needs a broken nose. But I have been looking through this whole situation with a fogged up glass, and I was unwilling to wipe away the fog that is the feeling of disappointment which has been clouding up my thoughts. Of course he wasn’t the wrong here, he shouldn’t be apologetic either, remember, I have never told him how I felt about him, and perhaps I had miscalculated his attention as affection when it was purely platonic.

The bottom line is I have deluded myself into it, I have read all the signs wrongly and that’s why I have been directed to despair. From the start, when someone is paying attention to you in the midst of the crowd, it does wonders to your self –worth. It’s all blooming daisies and there’s a skipping gait on your steps because finally you matter to someone else (other than your family members). The anger after the rejection is a completely natural human feeling; you have been tossed asunder, and suddenly you’re left alone once more. Yet, the lesson I have learnt is – never let another person define you, never let your emotions be your ultimate compass. Take good care of your heart (metaphorically speaking) never let it be swayed so easily.

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